Abusive, Depressed Husband

by Cherry
(South Africa)

I've been a committed Christian for 30 years, and married for the same length of time. My husband gradually became more verbally, financially and emotionally as the years passed. I've tried hard not to retaliate but there have been times, especially recently, when I've lost it completely. He knows exactly which buttons to push, by saying things like this:

"You make me sick! You're fat and disgusting! You never finish anything you start! No wonder your last husband committed suicide!"

He didn't commit suicide. He died of a heart attack while on a business trip. When I confront my husband with the truth, after he's calmed down, he vehemently denies saying these things. I've thought of using a tape recorder, but that will only add fuel to the fire.

He's now 74 and work is becoming increasingly difficult to find. We have a tiny pension which is not enough to even pay the telephone. When we have no work, I pray. So does my husband, who gave his heart to Jesus 12 years ago. The problem is, if nothing happens straight away, he gets abusive. He has osteoarthritis and seldom leaves the house, so I'm the only person he sees most of the time. When he has pain, he gets abusive. If people don't do what he wants, when he wants it, he gets abusive. This means I take all the flak. He needs help to bath and get around, and he can't drive anymore. He can't even carry a bag of groceries. I'm physically exhausted from having to, literally, do everything - including DIY because we so little money. I wouldn't mind as much if he would stop finding fault with everything I do when he's in a bad mood - which is at least 2 weeks of every month.

When he comes out of his black moods, he behaves as though nothing bad happened and can't seem to understand why I'm still upset. I tell him why but he just laughs and says, "Come here and give me a kiss."

Sweeping the hurt under the carpet doesn't help. He refuses to EVER talk about his behaviour. He loves talking about mine, though. I left him for almost 9 months about 8 years ago. When we reconciled, he was so kind and generous and loving - for the first 5 years. Admittedly, a very long time, but things are getting bad again. I set firm, clear boundaries this time and gave him a list of things that constitute abuse - and what I will do if he abuses me. He simply tore the pages up and told me to go to hell. I've stuck to my guns though, at the advice of my Pastor and Bible Study group.

My husband won't go to church. The only spiritual food he gets are short Christian TV shows on Sunday mornings. I know this is part of the problem, but I can't MAKE him go, or read his Bible, or fellowship with other Christians. In fact, he says he actually hates people and the less he has to do with them, the better. He has become verbally abusive to others lately, as well. This worries me, as Jesus said we cannot love God if we don't love our brothers.

I just don't know what to do any more. Leaving him again is not much of an option because I don't have the money to do so and, anyway, who will look after him? I don't believe in divorce. I'm having nightmares, serious back and neck pain, headaches, nausea, oesophageal spasms, sleeplessness and depression myself. Hundreds of people are praying for us, and have been for the past 2 years ....