My Adorable Freaked Out Six Year Old Grandson

by Anna "Micky" Land
(Atlanta, Georgia)

My adorable cute grandson, aren't they all, age 5 and 3/4 just entered kindergarten this year. Having been to preschool for several years; two days a week then three days and then 5 days a week, I thought the transition would go smoothly. But Oh No! My son and daughter in law were in for a ride they may not have anticipated.

The first day of school, fine; second day fine. Then I think it dawned on him, "This is forever!!!" His life has been so nurturing, loving and FREE up to this point. Day three, four and five and some intermingled were filled with break downs, sometimes several in one day: stomach aches, 3 times in one day to the nurses office; stand offs, "I will not go;" waking up numerous times at night; fitful sleep; to "The days are too long, I want to come home." He does have a point on this one and I agree. School starts 7:50. He no longer goes at 9:00 and gets out at 12:00 but at 3:00. That is a big change. Grandmother was not feeling too good at this point. She wants to kiss and FIX him and make it all OK.

As a grandmother I only have snippets of time to be with him in a way I could not be there for my own children. Why? Number 1, because I did not know then what I know today and number two, I was still an emotional child myself and at war with myself.

So what do I know today that I did not know then? As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I have worked with hundreds of people who also did not know what I now know. The three principles I want to share, I learned the hard way; chaos in the family, personal counseling for myself, and then the academic route in graduate school. Here they are.

Principle #1: Children, adults too, either talk out or act out their pain. We are not born with the capacity to talk out our pain. A child has no idea what is happening to him/her on the inside. It just feels "bad, it hurts." So they act out. Talking things out is taught and learned; taught by the parent and if not later taught by a professional. So when a child acts out, this is your signal, you need to help him/her talk "it" out.

Your first try may come with an "I don't want to talk." Leave them alone for a couple of hours or even if needs be a few days. But DO go back and get "it" out. (We do not know what "it" is at this point, neither do they.) So do not ask, "What is wrong?" More than likely you will not get an answer.

My therapist used to say to me, "The pain you are feeling needs to be thrown up much like throwing up when having a upset stomach. You need to get that pain up and out of you and we do that by talking it out."

I am reminded of the Bible verse that says, "Share ye one another's burdens that you may be healed." The sharing with someone who will not judge you, give you immediate advice or try to fix you is indeed spiritual and healing. Pain does not just go away with time, it accumulates and crescendos and impacts your relationship with God, with yourself and with others adversely.

Principle #2: Take the child's acting out, fears, anger etc. seriously. It is as real a confusion of pain to him as it is to us when we "freak" out on the inside over some situation. No matter how many "It will be better," "Things will be fine," It will be really fun today," "You will make so many new friends," etc. comments we make to encourage them, they WILL backfire.

Rightly or wrongly 100% of the time, the child or adult interprets these types of well meaning statements as "You (the child) can really please me by really having fun today." Yet, when they go to school and do not have fun the child feels even more depressed and goes deeper into despair and clams up even more because they failed you.

So what do we do? They need validation* which is the one thing we humans have a hard time understanding and doing. We want to fix the child. (That seems reasonable to me doesn't it to you). Have you ever tried? Enough said.

The child needs to know it is OK to feel what they feel. Once they know, their feelings are OK, for some magical "spiritual" reason, the scary feelings and acting out flies away. Isn't that how it is with God, our Abba (Father). Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

We fear something. We act out in an unhealthy way. We finally talk it out with God. He validates us with His love, His grace and then works from the inside out of us to heal our pain, fears, anger and poof, the pain and acting out are gone. That is, if you believe in the Christian God of Grace and Love. Know you are mirroring God and giving your child a face to God when you learn to validate them rather than fix them.

Principle #3: Situations like these are one of the many reasons Jesus came and died for us and rose from the grave. It is in these situations that Jesus can become experimentally real in our lives. When we are weak (scared, angry, freaking out,) He is strong on our behalf." 2 Corinthians 12:9 And He (God) has said to me (Paul), "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

If we choose to ask God to work our internal pain out for us and we trust He will, a peace that passes understanding arises within us and we are "fit to conquer the world." John 14:27 Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. 2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance The Lord be with you all." We then give thanks, to God, why? Because we know we could never have changed ourselves.

Tell your children that Jesus wants to take his/her fear or anger away. Pray with your child and ask him/her to give the pain to Jesus as best he can. Remind him that neither you nor Jesus are mad at him. Tell him Jesus always wants to be there for him when he feels pain. He wants to fix it for you. When your child acts out again go through this entire process again inviting Jesus into your talking and praying things out.

Christianity vs. Psychology

by Anna "Micky" Land
(Atlanta, Georgia)

When my life was out of control and counseling was suggested, I backed off for years, fearing I would let down and displease the Lord. How you might ask? I believed by going to someone for help, I was letting God down, leaving Him out. He and I were to be the only two to work this out. I had not yet internalized the importance of the body of Christ for those who are struggling.

I was surprised by joy when God quickened my spirit and showed me David's cry in Psalm 139:23-25, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."

Immediately I cried out to the Lord and said, "God this is the desire of my heart. I need someone to help me. I know you will show me what to do next." Shortly thereafter, the name of a Christian Counselor was given to me and off I went for help from a "trained" counselor from within the body of Christ.

Today I am also a master's level Licensed Professional Counselor. I write this article because of the mistrust of psychology by Christians.

Try not to throw the baby out with the bath water is what we say. There are definitely people in the profession to mistrust. The healthy principles they learn are used in unhealthy ways. When you add Christianity into many of the principles of Psychology I personally found counseling to be a gift from God using the body of Christ to help and encourage me in my spiritual, emotional and relational growth.

I taught Bible Studies from the time I was thirty three until I went to graduate school at age forty. I was pretty well steeped in Christian theology upon arriving at school. I entered with some fear and trepidation about the combination of the two, but I wanted to minister to women in better ways.

Secular psychologists have studied and researched how man/woman works best within the context of relationship. It seemed to me each of these men had some sort of interest in the pain and suffering of humankind. None, as far as I understand, were Christians.

But the conclusions of all their research did not conflict with Christian principles. These conclusions were "Christ like." They concluded that "Love, respect, understanding, unconditional positive regard, compassion" are the healing components of helping a person heal.

As Christians we know the very essence of God is unconditional love; Agape love, perfect love, and grace. We also know this love is meant to heal and change us. I began to see the parallel between psychological theory and Christianity.

Yet we Christians know this" theory of love" is not theory at all, but truth to be experienced personally and then given away to hurting people. They, the psychologists, know the principles of love but do not know the creator of those principles as we do.

Yes, I know we all have a sin nature. I also know a child will grow in trust if you truly take seriously their pain, wait to give advice and go the extra mile to learn listening skills. Eliminating any chemical imbalance or biological damage, the child will grow in a positive direction. He/she will be more open to hearing you, the parent, and following your directives. Yes these children will still have sin natures. Yet, instead of fighting and blaming the parent they will be warring with themselves and with God. This is a good place for the person to be.

I spent years in a power struggle with my mother as a married adult and not going to church. Maybe she gave up. There was a three year period of silence, prior to my becoming a Christian. She no longer hassled me about church. On numerous occasions I welled up with tears, like the times I drove past my childhood church. Why? Because my war was no longer with my mother anymore. I found myself dealing with God and Him dealing with me. I sensed the Holy Spirit's wooing, but did not know about the Holy Spirit at that time.

Historically the church has focused too much on bad behavior. As a result the church has tried to control, manipulate, direct, punish, and manage the sin nature of man. They have come off as Pharisees mounting up the "should's" and "ought's" on people's shoulders. This does not heal. It wounds. No wonder so many people avoid the organized church.

It is time for the church to look beyond the behavior to the root of a person's pain. It is not so simple to say, "The root is their sin nature" and dismiss the person as just being disobedient. People act out our pain or talk out our pain. There is some "lie" embedded in the soul of the person; a lie that needs to be exposed. It is when the lie is discovered, the Christian in the power of the Holy Spirit can come against the temptation (the lie) to not believe the lie but to act on God's grace which in turn quenches the acting out.

It is important to remember God's love has boundaries. There are actions and activities that are healthy for us and there are those which will turn and rend us. When we get rent, so to speak, that is our signal to go to God and thank Him for the forgiveness He has already provided through His Son, Jesus Christ.