Chasing Demons

by Debra Elliott
(Birmingham AL)

“Roe v. Wade” changed my life forever. That critical decision made January 22nd 1973,opened up many different pathways for many women from all walks of life; myself included.

I had never thought about what the decision really meant, at the time I was only twelve, but almost four years later I would experience it first hand.

The year was 1976. The month and day: November 4th. I was fifteen. That was the year “Roe v. Wade changed my life indelibly. The painful, horrific memories are forever seared in my mind, thoughts, and soul.

I was fifteen, technically a teenager; but still a child. I made several unforgivable mistakes(in my mind anyway) that led to that fateful day over thirty years ago.

I wasn't getting the Christian love that I needed and so desperately wanted. I was vulnerable; letting anyone talk me into anything.

I turned to drugs and sex for love and attention. I got plenty of both and got pregnant.

I was petrified and turned to my mother for help. That aspect was a mistake. My mother was an alcoholic and she and her boyfriend mistreated me. She was forced to turn me over to the state.

Thus, began the day I started chasing demons.

My life took a terrifying turn, spiraling out of control. I didn't have any rights and had no say so about what I wanted, about my body or my baby.

I, like so many young girls, was forced to have an abortion.

I will never forget that day. I still see everything so vividly. I was nine weeks pregnant and in 1976 abortions were performed haphazardly so to speak.

The day before my abortion I was taken to the doctor and had a “seaweed” stick inserted into my uterus. The purpose of this device was to make me have contractions. It was painful.

The day of my abortion I have tried to block out my memories, but cannot. I cannot forget the cold metal where I lay, the baby sucked from my womb.

I am still chasing my “abortion” demons. I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I know that God has forgiven me.

But one of the things I have come to learn over time, is no matter what has happened to me over the years that I will always chase my personal demons. That will never go away.

I went on to marry and have other children, but the memory haunts me if my unknown baby would have been a girl or a boy. I cannot sit through church without gushing tears and remembering my experience.

I wonder why so many women are “pro choice” instead of “pro life”?

I cannot go back and change what happened to me, but I can write about my experiences through my poetry in the hope that I can change lives, even if it's only one life.