chronic low self esteem, dependency on others.

by anonymous
(Here)

Hi Karen.
My problem is many problems & interconnected. I have kind of hit the bottom and hence am able to evalulate my weaknesses.but they feel a 100 times amplified right now. so maybe you can give me a better view.
I grew up as a christian.in a christian home. have an older sister. she has emotionally abused me since I was a child. Parents are christians, but they have total lack of communication.
I have noticed now that I have chronic low self esteem. I attach myself completely to the person.I have every symptom-need to control, overtly sacrificing and expecting the same and hurting when i dont get the same. wanting to be the good person. hypervigilance. feel victimized. and i have that attitude of "if u say im ok then im ok". I sacrifice to such an extreme extent, even if the other person is emotionally abusing me, I will throw myself at their mercy and plead and beg to take me back or just talk to me. addictive.
I fell madly in love with a guy when I was in 16. we were in the relationship for 6 years.we were engaged.We prayed about it, felt it was God's will.everything was great. we fell into temptation. tried to get out many times, but fell back. He had become my anchor for my self esteem. and consequences have caught up.with absolutely no major reason he says this relationship will never work and has broken up with me. He made all these promises that He would marry me anyways when he asked for some things which are off limits. I am not completely blaming him bcoz I also gave. I am now realizing it was my need for acceptance.This sudden betrayal or whatever you call it has me feeling like I am underwater.This is how I feel: "I accepted all your weaknesses, why cant you accept mine." cause suddenly he feels like he cant get along with me for the rest of his life.and that is like a punch in the guts.
I want to get back with him. We felt we heard from God we are meant to be together. now I question everything. and once this happened I evaluated my past relationships with people like my best friends. I did the same thing with them. I drove them crazy with my clinging. I was so attached. I feel a craving to be loved. and I feel I should give to earn it. thats how I behave. and when I dont get it back, I am so hurt.I realized I do things for people to purchase their love. I sacrifice and save and buy expensive gifts. I feel the need for acceptance.I dont want people to criticize me but I view them with a critical mind.
When I read old communcations with my girl best friends, I saw the exact same pattern, she was sweet.but was slowly getting vexed with my clinging.and I panicked and got so attached.drove them even further away.Did the same thing with my fiance.
Now that i realize all this I go through guilt. I feel I am a horrible person.Im excessively needy in my relationships.constantly need reassurance.I dont think I enjoyed the relationship also. always lived in acute fear he will leave me.and it finally happened. same thing with my best friend.only then, I thought I had overcome everything and that this guy was the solution to my problems. Ive relaized that the problems have been there all along.
When I was a child I was always made to sacrifice because of my sister. My parents are spent emotionally because of her.So i never got to share my problems with them. Im expected to be good.period. People now encourage me to back n share with them. But i feel it is too late. Im also afraid. also scared to break my good image i think.
Now I am afraid of people.ashamed.we were the "fairy tale" couple. Dont want to face anyone now.
Now all my behavior is centered around this guy.Now that I have realised my weaknesses, I comdemn myself for not having changed while in the relationship and saved it, and now I am working toward improving myself and have a distant hope he will come back.Sometimes I feel I may get a better person than him.
I Want to move on but I am afraid to feeling "incase" he comes back in a few days?or months?
I am praying but I felt I need more than that.