DIVORCE

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DIVORCE

by Shannan
(Tulsa, OK)

I would like to know your thoughts compared to God's word about divorce. I have a friend who has been married for 8 years. The first few years was great! But after a while, she has got to where she is very controlling and possesive. Examples: making him be home by the time she gets home from work; calling him at work and changing his plans he may have for after work; not giving him money when he was going out to dinner with his group at work; always threatening divorce. All in all, I would say mentally abusive.
He does alot of work with his church. A 'backup' preacher and he does teachings of Gods word. I think he even teaches a childs Sunday school class. So through his devotion and commitment he made to her in front of God, he will not divorce her.
I think God is a forgiving God. That him living like he is, is the Devils work and he should not have to stay in the situation.

Please let me know your thoughts!

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DIVORCE

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The same advice
by: Karen

Shannan, Shannan, Shannan,

Can't you hear my motherly tone? :)

You are caught in a situation that is going to leave you even more miserable and lonely if you continue.

This guy isn't doing you any favors by continuing to lead you on by what he's saying. He is, indeed, crossing the line just by what he's saying and doing.

Trust me when I say that there is no future for you in this mess. This man is married. He is married in God's eyes. That means he is off limits, no matter how you feel. There is nothing else you can or should do but get away from him.

Find another job. Immediately. Even though times are tough, God will help you get away from this situation if you ask.

Shannan, you need to focus on other things. You can't run your life based on how you feel all the time. Sometimes you have to do what's right, even when it's hard and you're afraid. But trust me, God will honor your efforts.

And look at it this way. If you continue on this road to nowhere, you will most likely miss the man God has chosen for you. Shannan, God wants you to be happy MORE than you do. He's chosen somebody that will make you happier than you can imagine. But as long as you focus on the wrong thing, the right thing will pass you right by.

Karen

Karen,
by: Shannan

CONTINUATION....2ND PAGE
Then out of the clear blue sky, a week ago, he tells me our Lord and Savior spoke to his spirit and he has to stay with her to fulfill the commitment he made. I understand that. But along with that, he tells me it's not what he wants to do. His relationship with her will remain the same where he has to live not wanting her to even be around him long enough touch him. And that he prayed and cried and in one of his prayers, added a P.S. that if he and I could ever be together to please let it happen. He is such a wonderful man and we would be excellent together. We both need the attention and support that we could give each other without even having to make an effort. I'm not saying any of this was right. I'm not going to say it was wrong either. I don't go to church but I do believe God is in my life. I have been reading and searching for anything and everything to help me understand this. I am divorced myself. Almost 5 years. I can't believe as much as God loves us that he would want us to be miserable and unhappy 'because of his rules.' Are we supposed to live Hell on Earth in exchange for being welcomed into Heaven!?!?!? Why shouldn't he and I have a chance to truly be happy together and walk with Christ and help others. Isn't a loveless home the Devils home? I ask you ahead of time to not send comments about how I'm a witch, etc etc. I didn't ask for this to happen nor did I initiate it. But I do ask that you all pray that my heart will heal (especially since I have to see him 5 days a week) and pray that he will find peace with his decision. And maybe even throw his P.S.
Just kidding!!!

Love and Prayers to you All.....

Karen,
by: Shannan

You are absolutely correct in your assumption. My heart is involved. And even worse, I work with him, sit right beside him. I've known him for 4 years. At first, he made little comments like "Where were you 8 years ago." I never went there though. I would laugh and blow it off. After a few years, he got to where he would talk about his relationship with her. Or lack of. I still didn't go there. I just supported him as a friend would. Knowing what a Christian man he is, I knew he would not divorce her. About a year ago, he helped me move. We ended up alone in his truck making another run from house to house and he told me that he thinks about me all the time and wished he was going home to me when he gets off work and that it would be SOOO wonderful and magical if we ever got together. Ok, so maybe that opened the door a little but we still never crossed that line. But it seemed after that conversation, we got closer and closer. Well it got to where they were fighting more and more. She, in one of her little temper tantrums, told him she wanted a divorce. This was about 4 months ago. I mean the woman straight out told him NO when he asked for money to go out to dinner after a funeral (fellow coworker passed away suddenly) with our group from work. Does mental abuse not count for anything!??! On Monday, I would come into work and he would tell me that he thought about me all weekend and it was such a long weekend. Anyway, I can go on and on about things that have been said. We never kissed or even hugged. It never went there because neither of us would allow it to........
CONTINUED...

Motive in all things
by: Karen

Hi Shannan,

It's not easy to watch a situation that you think isn't right, is it?

But Shannan, I must ask. If my perception is incorrect, you have my apologies, but if it isn't please accept my comments in the spirit in which they are truly given.

You seem to know an awful lot about your friend's marriage. Is your concern for your friend motivated by feelings you have that are more than just friendship? Are you asking these questions looking for justification for your friend so he can leave his marriage, hoping he might turn to you?

I'm asking simply because you wouldn't be the first person to be in this situation.

Shannan, if this truly is the situation, RUN and don't look back. Nothing good can come from it. God can't bless this. It goes against everything He says, particularly that part in the commandments about coveting.

However, if I am completely off base and you are sincerely concerned for him as a friend, I would tell you much of the same thing. You are still too close to the situation. Nothing good can come from a man who has a female friend that is telling him how bad his marriage is.

All the circumstances in his marriage may very well be bad, but he needs to be the one to seek Christian counseling. He needs to be the one to try to work through his problems with his wife. Yes, with his wife.

Your role can be one of prayer and encouragement to work things out with his wife, but from a friendly distance.

Shannan, I've seen so many of these kinds of situations that have ended badly. Please put some distance in this relationship. It definitely will be better for all concerned.

Blessings,

Karen

my thoughts
by: Anonymous

Shannon,

You sound like a very caring friend, but divorce is the LAST possible resort in any marriage. I am going through a divorce and it is heart wrenching. Encourage your friend to reach out to his wife so they may enter Christian counseling and do all it takes to save their marriage. God does not support divorce just because it gets difficult or rough. You might want to encourage your friend to seek male guidance, also. A female comforting a male during a rough time in his marriage is a BAD idea. Just a thought.

just my thoughts
by: Anonymous

In the bible it says that the man is to be the head of the household. Though it may look one sided, He needs to quit backing down to her and standing up for himself. My parents are the exact example of these two. A marriage is a balancing act. Though it may be hard to do, don't judge the wife..you don't know the reason's behind her control issues. My mother is very controlling and I beleive it stems from something that had happened to her as a child and/or young teen. It could very well be a sign of deep hurt or fear for this woman..she most likely has unforgiveness issues or anger issues. Or just plain scared.
The best thing for them to do is TALK...remember you're only seeing one side of it...if my dad had stood up to mom a long time ago, I would now have a relationship with him.
It's never too late to change and it's never wrong to NOT give up on someone. God would not want you to give up on her or put all the blame on her or visa versa...I would read and study God's words on this subject. The husband needs to be the head of the household. If he doesn't make a stand now or attempt to talk with her, it will get to the point where he will simply accept this behavior from her as in it's okay.
I think she needs for him to do this, this may be her way of crying out to him..sometimes we need help but we don't know how to ask or we simply don't know we are being hindered by our past.
My thought is this, people are not born mean, hurtful, angry, ect. it is learned by example and often times by experience.
The biggest thing you can do is...PRAY for them, pray for God to soften her heart and pray for God to give him wisdom, strength...God will answer you, for he favors marriage and does not favor divorce.

I hope this helped...
And God Bless

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