Do You Feel Hopeless?
by Katherine Harms
(Baltimore, MD)
Have you ever heard your beloved child wish you were dead? Have you ever felt hopeless to restore a relationship with a spouse or a friend? Have you ever tried to talk with anyone who had really lost all hope?
My friend Linda wrote to me three times a day for several days. Her fifteen-year-old daughter Francine was behaving erratically. Days of belligerent silence were followed with days of abusive language and flying objects. Linda told me that she didn't know Francine knew those words. Several times Francine threatened to run away.
One day when Francine's boyfriend stopped by unexpectedly, Francine threw a few things in a tote bag, shouting "I wish you were dead!" as she stormed out the door and jumped into the car with the boyfriend.
Linda struggled with feelings of grief over the fractured relationship, relief at the cessation of violence after Francine left and deep fear for her daughter's well-being in the company of her immature and irresponsible boyfriend.
Linda felt helpless to change any of the factors that had led to this debacle. She was completely overwhelmed by all the problems she needed to address. She didn't feel like working or resting or sleeping or eating. Her mind churned in all directions at once, and she wrote to me constantly, long messages of despair, frustration, anger.
She recalled the day Francine was born, a day that brimmed with hope and happiness for the perfect little girl God had given to her. She railed at all the disasters which had befallen her family since that day, leading to a moment when she said, "I feel just like Francine. I wish I were dead, too."
The challenges of living in a broken world are more than any of us can face by ourselves. A newspaper reporter writing about gangs in Los Angeles called them "repositories of hopelessness." I often see the same horror in families.
The Bible encourages us to hope, but we cannot simply make up our minds to be hopeful. Our minds are designed by the grace of God to gather information about our surroundings, to analyze that information and to craft solutions in tune with reality. Unfortunately for us, when reality is hijacked by Satan, gathering information about it will not help us overcome our problems. The facts will reinforce our despair as one by one we list the things we cannot change.
I have known more than one person in my life who has gone through seasons when it seemed that all hope was lost. I have been there myself. Friends and family alike have experienced these dark nights which seem to have no end. Faith is the muscle that gives us the strength to walk through those dark valleys, but hope is the light at the end that draws us forward.
In 1859, Pastor John Angell James said, "The object of a Christian's hope is a redeemed, regenerated, holy, happy world." We feel hopeless when we no longer believe such a world can possibly exist.
This is a situation the apostle Paul knew very well. He wrote that there would be times of such deep despair that we would not even know how to pray. He said that "the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." Romans 8:26]
This is how Linda felt in her dark hour. She wanted to pray, but she didn't know where to start. She told me that the best she could do at this time was to find some place away from people where she could sit without moving for a while. The most profound thing she knew to say was, "Oh, God. Help!"
It reminded me of Jesus' story about the Pharisee and the publican. The publican simply prayed, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner." Luke 18:13 Both Linda and the publican were overwhelmed and unable to be eloquent, but the Holy Spirit interceded for them.
Linda's relationship with her daughter was rocky for more than a year. As Linda struggled with her sense of being tongue-tied in the presence of God, I shared with her a tool that has helped me through more than one dark night.
Years ago, my life crashed and burned around me during a bitter divorce. As it became obvious to me that there would be no saving our marriage, I, like Linda, found myself unable to speak to God. I needed a way to break that logjam. The tool that worked for me was journaling.
Most of us know that we have some role in any troubles that come our way. Only a complete egotist would try to say that broken relationships fail through the fault of only one party. Husband and wife, mother and daughter, friend and friend; a relationship cannot be one-sided.
There are always two parties, and each party contributes to the whole relationship, whether to growth or destruction. Destructive behavior can develop so insidiously that neither party realizes it is happening for a while. But once it becomes impossible to ignore, an honest look back will always show that both parties contributed to the destruction.
This is a large component of our inability to pray. We know that we can't blame the other person for everything, because God knows better. We want God to reach down and rescue us and make everything all right, but as soon as we start to tell him our side of things,the light of His Truth shows us our own complicity in the disaster, and we are struck dumb.
This is where journaling can be a real help. For me, and for my friend Linda, journaling has provided the outlet to say what is on our hearts, for good or ill. We have laid our stories out before the Lord, and as we learned to be more and more honest, the Holy Spirit has provided more and more healing. My marriage was not put back together, but I was healed. Linda's
relationship with her daughter remains confrontational, but Linda is experiencing healing.
Because Linda is being healed, she is able to love her daughter with more grace and forgiveness. Linda's changed attitude has opened lines of communication that were previously barricaded by attitudes of resentment and pain on both sides. The journal does not work the healing; that is the activity of the Holy Spirit. The journal is the tool that helps the person writing the journal to get ready to hear the voice of the Spirit.
I started serious journaling in a time of crisis, but I continue to do it because it helps me to think quietly and listen to the voice of God. God speaks, as we know, in a still small voice. Sometimes I think he speaks through my own words. I write what is on my heart, but when I read what I have written, I see the issue from a new perspective. It isn't magic; it is a tool.
Linda tells me that it is for her as if the pain and anger flow through her fingers on to the page, and then the darkness begins to fade. With her frustrations and concerns on the paper, Linda says she can at least begin to pray.
Most important for her, she doesn't feel so hopeless. Her hope doesn't come from the journal, however. Her hope is created and nourished by the Holy Spirit. The journal is like a key that unlocks the door to her heart and enables her to welcome the Spirit and His healing work.
Do you feel hopeless? Is something happening in your life that is so overwhelming you feel unable to pray? Perhaps journaling would help you to quiet yourself before the Lord. The Holy Spirit is ready to intercede for you. Maybe journaling is the tool that will prepare you to receive the work of the Holy Spirit who enables you to "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer." Romans 12:12]
