Eldercare: Communicating With My Elderly Dad

by Vanessa Barnes
(Crosby, Texas)

If you have ever had the honor of being around a two year old, then you will surely know what I am saying in the next few lines.

What I remember most about my daughter at that age was how repetitive her questions were. I cannot tell you how many times she asked me "Why?" or how many times I read the same story book to her over and over.

If I was anything to my parents that my daughter was to me at that age then I'll owe them for the rest of my life.

Just as there is not a great divide between the mind of an aging parent with dementia and a two year old, communicating with them is not much different either. Recurring questions and recurring needs are a staple of their care.

For the topic of this article, I am reminded of the manner in which I was able to effectively communicate with my daughter. What instantly comes to mind are two essential characteristics; patience and love.

Ironically, with my dad now in his late eighty's I find myself drawing upon those same tools; lots of love and lots and lots of patience. It is because, through no fault of his own, his mind has decreased to the point of alternating days between coherence and incoherence, childhood and adulthood.

It is not an easy task. It is, however, not an impossible one either. My Christian faith tells me that in Christ crucified I have power and wisdom.

I reflect on the Bible message conveyed by Jesus; He said, "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now." (John 16:12)

He knew better than to serve us what we did not have the teeth to chew. This is the same wisdom the Holy Spirit allows us to possess and use in communicating with our elderly parents.

There are days when there is no convincing daddy he is already at home when he thinks he is not. With God's grace and gift of patience I tell him what I believe he is able to grasp at that moment. It may be, "I'll take you home tomorrow if you will just go to bed tonight in that bed." Usually it works, he gets some rest and I get to pray some more.

When I think about it, talking to God can be described much the same way. We repeat over and over our needs and desires, we seek His undivided attention, forgiveness and love. He in turn, listens attentively while answering our petitions with the answer He deems best suited for our welfare at the moment.

Without love, it can all be just noise! Scripture says; "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Corinthians 13:1) What does my dad hear from me?

Evolving physical and spiritual maturity has ensured I am perfectly equipped to communicate in a way, which evokes more love and patience than right and wrong.

The Lord willingly waits on my good day; I should no less do the same.

If I must answer the same question constantly or try and convince him that he is already where he wants to go, I take a very deep breath while praying and meditating on the love of God's Spirit who has been so patient with an undeserving me.

Rarely will I walk away not amazingly grateful or satisfied that I have been able to use the love of my Father to show love to my father.

What matters most are the opportunities I take advantage of now to show my dad the love and kindness his years have earned him.

The bottom line is this; when finding it difficult to communicate with my aging and challenging parent on his not so good days, I draw encouragement from words spoken long ago.

I remember, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." (Matthew 5:7)