Feelings for another woman and lust

by Elizabeth G.
(Johnstown, NY)

My husband and I are both Christians. We recently married on 6/12. I believe my husband believes he is serving God in what he is doing. A young woman from his past has a drug and alcohol addiction. She was the girlfriend of a friend of his. He has tried to help her several times in the past and she has always disappeared and relapsed. It has been about 5 yrs. and she has now called him out of the blue days before we were married. We both also had drug addiction problems in the past. I recovered 18 years ago through much prayer to God, and a daily walk with God. My husband believes NA is the only way that he was able to recover(5yrs. ago) and feels he needs to stay active with NA to stay clean. He takes this woman to NA and AA meetings, sometimes on his motorcycle, buys her cards, a bible, trinkets about how he cares for her and will always be there for her. My husband works 12-13 hours every night, so we see very little of each other, yet he will make the time to spend with this other woman. He has told me he feels it is a matter of life or death to her. They talk several times a day and night, usually when I'm not around. He has gone to her house to help her with household things, helped her move, stopped to give her a card, and though he has tried to be honest with me about it all, he has kept some of their meetings from me until I confronted him with it. Recently, I asked him about his feelings for this woman and he admitted he was trying to figure out his feelings for her and that he has struggled with lust for her and has struggled with lust for other woman. He admitted to have dating her at least once in the past and if he wasn't with me he would probably consider dating her now. He says that he loves her but not like the kind of love he has for me, that he can't trust her like he can trust me. But none the less, I feel very hurt knowing he has feelings for this woman and is spending so much time with her. I sensed in the past that she has feelings for him and he admitted to me that when he had told her he was getting married, that she was disappointed. My husband recently led her to the Lord and she attends church with us. I have tried to get to know her better, but she tells my husband she doesn't feel comfortable with me. I keep trying.
My husband and I talked with the pastor of our church and discussed setting boundaries. We have discussed this, but he just does not give up. He agreed to not have her ride on his motorcycle with him, though he can't understand why I have an issue with that. Last night he asked me about what boundaries we have, if it was o.k. for him to go to her house a few times a week(in addition to taking her to meetings) to help her with her step work(this is NA steps). I told him that I felt we needed to talk as a couple days ago was when we had the discussion about his feelings for her and we haven't discussed it again. I told him I am trying to process it and it is really hard for me to accept. I feel it is one thing if he was helping someone out if he didn't have these feelings and problem with lust, but I am not dealing with this well. He keeps telling me she needs his help and because she knows him she is opening up to him, but doesn't trust anyone else, and that he made a promise to her years ago he would always be there for her. He makes me feel selfish if I say anything against it. I don't know how to handle this. I truly believe he wants us to have a great marriage, and wants to deal with his own issues, but he isn't seeing that while building a relationship with this other woman, he is pulling our relationship apart. Do you have advice for me?