Good Grief.

by Beverly Proffitt
(Aiken, SC)

My nest is empty and the feelings of sadness are especially intense because I left my girls on the west coast when my husband and I moved to the east coast for retirement. Feelings of guilt continue to plague me as I hear the phrase over and over in my own head: "You left your girls. You left them." What kind of mother leaves her girls?

The 'girls' are independent and mature women. Their age of majority came many years ago. They really aren't girls at all anymore - except in my heart. Holidays, of course, seem to bring the most intense sadness. These intense feelings overwhelm me today - on this day before Thanksgiving. Hearing their voices on phone calls is not enough. It tends to make the longing even greater. The contrast is so striking; their voices sound so close and their presence is 3,000 miles away from me. And really, if I hadn't moved away, I'd be closer to them. I'd be in their city. I could go for coffee and shopping - if only I hadn't left my girls.

Since we are now close to my husband's grown children and nearly-grown grandchildren, my days are not empty. They are full of family contact, but it's not the same as hugging your own child, laughing together as you shop or cook holiday treats. It's not the same at all. In fact, it is just like the phone calls - it is more painful than helpful. These step-children are not the same as my own girls - and after all, what kind of mother leaves her girls?

Coping is a challenge. Giving thanks helps. Laughing helps. Staying busy helps. Praying helps. Loving my husband helps. Honoring the marriage commitment to go-where-he-goes helps. But the hurt is still there.

And of course, I see my pattern. I am guilt-ridden for 'leaving my girls.' Barring some miraculous economic shift that would make retirement in California a possibility, we will stay here and I, an empty nest mother, must find a way to forgive myself for 'leaving my girls.'

Guilt seems to be such a powerful and elusive emotion. I believe that coping with guilt inevitably leads to coping with our (perceived) mistakes and grieving them. I believe that grieving is necessary in this life. I believe it stretches you and strengthens you. I believe it opens your heart if you fully grieve through the pain so that you can hold more lightness and joy later on. In that sense, grieving is good. Who would have thought that grief would be good - certainly not this mother that left her girls.