Guilt

by Tessa
(Philippines)

Hi...i have been doing my best to straighten out my finances and get out of debt for a long time...I work myself out everyday with the goal to pay all my debts and live a normal life...I have this desire to be able to help others in need..but I cant because my hands are tied up trying to pay off all my debts.Then i came across tithing as a solution..so i started to give--not only because i want to receive something in return as they always say...sow and you shall reap, but it gives me some joy knowing in my heart that in my own little way i am able to make a contribution to make this world a better place...I most definitely am not a saint..in fact i think im a sinner and a hypocrite..sometimes i find it hard to pray because i feel so guilty..You see, i have been in a relationship with a man for almost 8 years..i am not able to conceive and during some moments when we were having some problems, he met another woman and fathered a child with her..at that time i was not ready to end our relationship as i was still so much in love with him so I tried to understand when he told me that he had no choice but to live in with her for the sake of the child..Whenever I ask him what his plans are, he would always say that i need to understand that he cannot just live his daughter just like that, so again i tried to understand him...only to find out that the woman again gave birth to their second child..He claimed that it is I whom he loves but that the coming of the second child was not at all planned...I gave it a lot of thought and I wrote him several times and talked to him several times, wanting to finally put an end to all this pain..I told him that i suffered enough and that it is time for me to let go...but he would not listen and pretend that he does not hear me...He would make ways to make it up with me..and weak as i am...i would again give in to him...I know this is wrong..in my heart i know that this cant last for long..but he would not let me go...That is why i feel that probably this is the reason why God is angry with me..because im such a hypocrite just like the pharisees in the bible.. i feel that if i die today, i wont go to heaven..i feel that no matter if i tithe and try to be a good person, i cant expect any miracles because i still am living in sin...please pray for me...Tessa