Homesick For Heaven

by Jane
(Houston, MS USA)

In the last 10 months of my life I have faced some of the most difficult issues that life can throw at you. My Mother, who for 91 years was one of the strongest and most independent people in the world, became totally helpless, unable to even lift a spoon to take the nourishment needed to sustain her body. Each day I watched her become weaker and weaker as she withered away to become a frail skeleton draped in flesh. During the months of stays in and out the hospital, with the constant fear that this might "be the time," I prayed continually, asking God not to take her from me. I had known this person longer than I had ever know anyone else and I could not even imagine facing a day that she would not be a part of. God was so merciful during this time and He heard my cry. Even though her body was failing, God in His infinite wisdom allowed my Mother to retain her strong and clear mind. As she stood on the shores of that great divide, my Mother was conscious and aware of all of her surroundings. She knew that her children were present and she was aware of our love for her as well as our assurance of her love for each one of us. She remained with us until God knew that we had arrived at that place in our lives that we could continue without her constant presence with us. I lovingly let go of her hand and placed in the hand of Jesus so that He could provide for her much better than I ever could. Do I miss her? Yes. But I know where she is and I know who is looking after her.
Also during the last 10 months I have faced the loss of the closest friend I have ever known. The loss was not to death but to separation. A separation that I did not understand. A separation that I had no way of preventing. I felt robbed of support, of encouragement, of having someone in the flesh to lean upon. Many of my days were filled with 24 hours of unbearable loneliness, longing for that friend that sticks closer than a brother. That friend that had always been there before, that friend that always helped me up when my knees buckled under the weigh of a heavy load. That friend that I felt would always be there when I called. That friend that I felt had been a gift from God to me. Even though we had our differences, we had our spats' we had our arguments, I thought that my friend would always be there when the chips were down. But I was wrong about my friend. During those times of great need, I had to fight the human desire of the flesh to not let hatred enter my heart for this person. There were times when it seemed it would have been much easier to hate than to continue to love, to write this person off as being dead to me. But God in His great love continued to speak to my heart and helped me to look at this person through His eyes. I prayed that God would not let me become bitter and that He would help me to continue to love this friend as I had in the past. I've always heard it said that you cannot hate someone that you are praying for, so I prayed for this person everyday. I prayed for protection, for strength, for encouragement, for any need that might arise, I prayed that God would meet my friend at her point of need. Many days it was a struggle to pray and many days I had no words just groaning and tears. But God was always there supplying the strength that was needed to make it through another day.
Also during this time my health began to fail and I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was not afraid of dying but my fear was that I would not be able to care for my Mother. During the months of unbearable pain and all the different treatments I went through, all the while searching for a drug, a treatment that might stop the progression of the disease, I prayed that God would allow me to out live my Mother so I could take care of her. Many days she lay in her hospital bed and I lay in another bed right beside her unable to do anything for her but give her something to eat and assure her of my continued love for her. I had promised her that I would always take care of her and it was very important that she know that I would be there. God again, in His great love answered my prayer and allowed me to remain with her until her death.
As I look back over the last 10 months, I know that my God has been so merciful and so gracious to me. He has not answered every pray I prayed the way I wanted but I know that He always knows what is best for me. My Mother was not healed of her sickness, but God did not allow her to have to suffer with the pain of her illness. She was conscious until her last breath and aware of my presence with her. For that I am eternally grateful.
My friend that was gone has contacted me. No, our friendship has not been restored but we are having some communication. At the moment I don't know what is going to happen with this situation. I just continue to pray and ask God not to let bitterness enter my heart for her. It's difficult but I know that with God's help it's not impossible. The medical profession has not found the needed treatment to stop the progression of my illness at this time. I continue to try different treatments with the hope that one will be found that will effectively fight my disease before all of my organs are damaged beyond repair. So I wait, not very patiently at times. I wait till I can see my Mother again, I wait to see if my relationship with my dear friend will be restored, I wait for a treatment that will work. I wait for Jesus to return. Knowing in my heart that when we all finally get home that we won't have to wonder and wait for anything else. Knowing this makes me so homesick for heaven.