Joy in the Journey toward Sierra's Birthday

by Alecia Klauk
(Chapin, SC)

Tomorrow morning, I am going away for a few days with my oldest offspring, my newly crowned "tween-age" daughter. She just turned 11 this week. Her growing up should be paralyzing me with fear, but it is actually filling me with great hope and excitement.

I had a great experience through my teen years with my own mother. She was always close and safe and available, and I would be extraordinarily happy if I could just do with my kids what she did with me. Even when my heart was broken, I knew that I could count on her. I desperately long for my children to have that same confidence in me.

But I must admit that I have been a bit nervous. I knew from the moment I knew that Sierra was within me that I would fear her coming of age, specifically her 11th birthday. That was a rough year for me as it found me in the darkness of abuse. I have felt rising tension knowing that this birthday was looming, and yet, I have wanted so badly to show up for her, to make it special for her, to celebrate her future instead of reliving my past.

I began to pray months ago for the Lord to direct my heart to know me how to give to Sierra. I should have anticipated His answer to my request, but somehow it still left me reeling. It was very clear to me that for me to be clear on her, I needed deeper healing for me.

So I began months ago to work on those old wounds, with my heart driven along by an intense focus on Sierra's 11th birthday. I started revisiting old wounds, wounds that I had spent a great deal of emotional energy on years ago in counseling but had not been to in a long time. I felt a bit frustrated, ok, a lot frustrated to be back there again. I thought that after 10 years of therapy and more than 20 years of processing that I'd be done by now!

I begged God for insight and healing. It was a long and hard road, but not unfamiliar to my heart. And there was and still is a constant confidence that I walk no where alone. My God will always lead and accompany me every step of the way.

It was not easy. I found fears I did not anticipate, insecurities I thought were solved, doubts I was sure were answered. When a child is injured, there is just no way around the deep and abiding damage that results. And while I would love to be able to neatly wrap it all up and put it high on a shelf, the truth is that every new life step has the potential to touch those old wounds.

That used to scare me. Used to terrify me really. But I have learned that only the Holy Spirit possesses light, so only He can dispense it. He truly does reveal only to heal. That is truth, and He and I have walked these dusty trails enough for me to be assured of the beauty of the journey, even when it is incredibly dark.

So we began to work. We pulled out the history. I felt. I felt a lot. Violated. Angry. Wounded. Sad. Fragmented. Scared. Confused. Disengaged. Despondent. Disoriented. Distrusting. Disrupted. Sounds like fun, huh?

But as I allowed Jesus into these deep places, I found His healing touch so faithful. He applied His healing balm like a salve to my burning injuries. He is the Great Physician, the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God. He understood my pain better than I did, so He knew exactly where to cut and where to bandage. And healing came.

I guess it wasn't so much that it came as that it is coming. There's more good days than bad now, more joy than sorrow, more hope than distress. I feel incredibly sure that God is working, and I no longer cringe at the approach of His hand toward my wounds.

And as much as I want to believe that this will be the last time we walk this road, I think I am finally ready to admit that my healing will have to continue until I go home to Glory. There will not be total healing until that day. That used to scare me, too, and make me mad. But I guess after the intimacy that develops through the darkness of the exploration into the pain, I can see how God wants to use those pockets to bind my heart to His.

That's what He does, and I believe that's what He's after. I can't answer the "why?" to any question from pain, for myself or anyone else, but I know one reason, one answer: intimacy. Oneness. I can hold on to that.

And the sweet thing is that He is giving me the great gift of intimacy and oneness with my Sierra, too. The enemy of my soul wanted me in a pit right now, and instead I feel better than I have in months. And one of my greatest sources of joy lately is the developing depth I am experiencing with my daughter.

God has been revealing truth that has allowed me to really study her. I have been on a hunt to stay connected to her deepest heart, and much to my delight, she is letting me. She even seems very much to want me there. I am amazed! I suppose we all want intimacy with those closest to us.

Tomorrow morning, she and I leave for a new tradition. We are going to spend the weekend alone for her birthday every year, starting at this one. Instead of the 11th being the one I dread, I wanted it to be the one we both look forward to more than any other. I know that idea was from Jesus because it is such a kick in the teeth to satan! This is a postcard for victory!

My plans are to talk, to connect. We'll rent a bicycle built for two and ride for miles. I'll show her places she's never been. We'll climb trees and spot dolphins and alligators. We'll eat too much pizza and stay up too late. And she'll talk and I'll listen. And I'll talk and she'll listen. We will both know and be known. Between mother and daughter, could there be anything greater? Oh, I am so thankful for all the Lord has done!

So may I encourage us both that even when the clouds are dark, it is because God is hovering. I think we are all ready to admit that God can make something good out of the bad, but the new piece of that to me is that He actually wants to transform the bad into good. It's not ancillary, not an afterthought. He doesn't just want to pull a rabbit out of His hat, a last minute photo finish victory. No, He fully intends and plans all along to fully transform us, for His glory and our blessing!

And speaking of clouds, check this out: "His way is in the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of His feet." Nahum 1:3.

His way is IN the storm, and the clouds are His footprints: the PROOF that He is there! The very things we want to point to in an effort to show evidence that He has left us are the very validations of His presence! He's right there. He's just right there. Not leaving or forsaking. He's right there.

And when the fear and sadness return, as I am certain in a fallen world that they will, I want to hold to the lessons learned these last months. I want to remember the great faithfulness of my King to hold onto me when my strength so fails that I'm barely holding on to Him. I want my mind and my soul to remember.

I also want to just enjoy my sweet girl this weekend. She is a beauty of indescribable delight to me, and I long to effectively communicate that to her in a way she can hear deep in her spirit. I want her to hear that same delight from her God, too.

Perhaps my greatest job as as mother is simply to hear it first, and simply pass it along.

Happy Birthday, Sierra, Happy Birthday indeed!