The First Move

by Zoe Onah
(Surrey, UK)

I may be opening a can of worms with what I wish to share with you today but before I do let me say my hellos. Welcome to spring...Now I have said "spring", I hope the skies are not going to open their curtains and start dumping white stuff on us.

OK, let's release the worms...Can a woman make the first move towards a man? Can a woman ask a man out on a date?

I am sure the majority of us women probably answered "yes" , "nothing wrong", or something in between the two. Bearing in mind, this is not the dark ages and we are certainly living well past the Victoria era where women were seen (infrequently), it should not be an issue, right?

But really and truly what do men honestly say on this? Christian men of course, remember this is a Christian column after all.

Before I got married, I attended several Christian singles seminars. I remember with some clarity, being at one where this question was posed. A tongue-tied silence hung for a few short-lived seconds as words came together into sentences in minds.

A lady in the audience decided to pitch the "for" argument by using the example of Ruth in the bible. Hadn't Ruth made the move to Boaz? She had a point. I had never thought of that before.

"Some men are shy", another lady chipped in. True, true, I agreed inwardly.

"As women, we get to give the men a little helping hand", another lady agreed.

"Yes, we can either sit and wait, and keep waiting forever, or decide to take the bull by its horns", another asserted. Bull, take, horns, hmm, interesting choice of words considering this was a mixed audience!

And it continued.

The men were finally given the platform to speak. With the ratio of women to men at the conference around five to one, I hoped that for the men's sake, they concurred to some degree with the ladies. That, or treading bare feet on broken glass, would be a more pleasurable experience for them!

"Well", they started, "men are flattered if women make the first move". A few female heads were nodding in unison.

A brother dressed immaculately in a slightly dated suit added, "But it all depends on how it is done. In real terms, men do not quite relish the idea of being chased or are overly excited if a woman is direct in her intentions", he said without a punctuation moment, and with a tone that sounded as polished as the Duke of Edinburgh.

"The manner in which a woman shows a man that she is interested can also put the woman at a disadvantage because in so doing the lady has decided the outlook of the relationship", another brother had got his cue.

"There is a tendency for some men not to take the relationship seriously. They see the lady as an "easy catch!", a very brave brother interjected, emphasizing the word "catch".

"It does not make her wife material", he added. I was beginning to feel the uncomfortable hardness of the chair.

A quick glance at some of the sisters who had spoken earlier, showed that disbelief had etched fine lines on foreheads. The last brother didn't notice the tremors he had worked up. He was making no attempt to thaw the words that were now hanging like icicles in the air.

His matter of fact expressions remained static like a Hitler statue. I started thinking he had just signed his own death warrant. I wondered which of the ladies would honor the execution. (Whoever said church seminars were boring? Judge Judy step aside).

Another quick glance at the ladies showed fine lines had now evolved to deep creases of disappointment. I began to pity all the men there, even the ones who had not contributed. It was impossible not hear what the women were thinking. Chauvinists! Old-fashioned! Sexists!

It all sounds hilarious, I know. But had the women been wrong? Conversely, did the men have a point?

The reality is, no matter how much women seek to assert, puff and stipulate our rights, ultimately, it will take two to tango down the aisle. There has to be some understanding on what men want or expect from ladies.

Proverbs 18:22 expounds that the man who FINDS a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. In other words, it is the man's job to do the finding. According to this verse this may be God's preference for courting. My pastor once said, "don't look for a husband. Instead, let the man find you." And before you start thinking my pastor is some gray headed, middle aged man, you are very wrong. He is young and very modern ...in the Word of God!

No matter how modern a man is, God created in every man the instinct to hunt. Men have always hunted since creation, and still do whether directly or not. From Adam, finding food for his family, to today's so-called sport of hunting, men outnumber the women who go hunting.

The inbred hunter nature of men must not, or in actual fact, cannot be suppressed. You see the man is or will be the head of the marital home. If an unmarried sister gets used to being the one who makes decisions and taking action first in courtship, especially because she perceives the man as slow or laid back, it will spill over in her marriage. Some habits die hard.

Such a woman may find it hard to submit as the Bible instructs us to do. The result is that men begin to feel resentment and inferiority sometime later along the line. They don't feel respected. It may sound far-fetched, ridiculous or dark age material but so do many things that God has put in His Word.

Women must be cautious in not appearing too forward. Patience is an important virtue in marriage. As women we need lots and lots of it where men are concerned.

There is no question that men love, adore and admire confident women. But our confidence must not come across as usurping the identity of a man who is making all efforts to take his position in an increasingly aggressive world. Confidence must always be clothed in humility. There is nothing more unattractive than a prideful woman. All the man sees after that, is a woman who is a potential nagger!

The Bible does not make a mountain out of the issue of first moves, so neither will I. If ladies choose to make the first move, they must be very careful about how they come across. A wrong message can be perceived as being desperate, and the older the woman, the louder that wrong communication becomes.

Now, I am not making all this up sitting from some high horse as a married woman. I have been on the same side of the fence as many single women who read this column and I am only recounting what I have learned from the men, even women, and Christian seminars.

If you have asked a man out and he has accepted, you can be sure that once you have started dating, that man will be keeping a close eye on you to establish if you are bossy, forward or one that is going to be "standing on his head". Be certain that before he requests your hand in marriage, he will be replaying the whole movie of your relationship from pre-start when you asked him out, to present.

On the issue of shyness, my pastor once said, no man can ever be that shy as to make a move! Shyness does not come from God - Remember in 2 Timothy 1:7, which says that God has not given us the spirit of timidity. What that man needs to do is grow in the Word of God to overcome his shyness and become bold. The Bible says as Christians we must be bold as a lion (see Proverbs 28:1).

If you choose to wait on a "shy" man to ask you out, never fret that you will lose him because you did not make the first move. There are other interesting ways to get a man's attention but we'll take a look in a little while.

But back to Ruth first. Did she not make the first move to Boaz?

If we carefully read Ruth's story, Ruth put herself or should I say planted herself, in a position to be noticed by Boaz. Remember, she did not come across as pushy. Remember also that Ruth aligned herself to her destiny, Boaz, according to the instruction of her mother-in-law, who was her mentor.

Ruth was being guided as some of us may be through our pastors too. Spiritual mentors, such as our pastors, have the ability to see further, see sooner and see more that their protégés, so it pays to listen to their guidance, even in securing a date!

You see, as women, we can never be disadvantaged. Like Ruth, we can be imaginative in aligning ourselves to our destinies too. Now if you are a man reading this column, I suggest at this juncture, you skip the rest of this paragraph. Ladies, there is one thing we must always know. Men may be the head, but as women, we are the neck. This means we have a lot more POSITIVE influence than men realize (men I told you not to read this paragraph!). The neck is the one that turns the head! With a bit of creativity, flair and our gracious feminine attributes we can put ourselves in a position to be found! It takes displaying godly characteristics of serenity, love and all those Proverbs 31 attributes, alongside proper grooming and of course prayers, and utter trust in God's will for our lives.

Truthfully, as women it is fun to be "hunted". If we are honest, we do love the "chase" game, although some of us take it to the extreme! Let's be balanced please. Being "hunted" makes us feel attractive and of worth. It makes the dating experience more exciting.

And on that note, I'll think I will sign off rather abruptly, having said all there is to be said from my quarters...and before the worms get all over the place!

While I consider what can of worms to open for next time, enjoy the fun of being found! Blessings!