The Independent Woman

by Zoe A. Onah
(Surrey, UK)

When I told an acquaintance I was getting married, she plainly told me she was shocked!

Thanks mate for your vote of confidence!

"You are the last person on the planet I expected to get married".

Well thanks again - I sure did not think I resembled ET!

"Why?" I finally gathered courage to ask rather defensively.

"You are so independent!"

Really? I had never considered myself to be independent, and certainly not 'that' independent as to assuredly not want to be married.

Anyway, what did they know? Heavens - they hardly knew me anyway! Just because one had the privilege of seeing me metamorphose from a chubby teenager to slim adult did not make them my psychologist. I saw said individual once or twice every blue moon. And blue moons only came every two to three years, if that!

So what on earth had contributed to my so-called self-governance status? I was a thirty something female, had a good job with a few modest letters after my father's name. These letters were not tattooed on my forehead nor did I talk about them or wear them as a banner!

Most of my recent friends were not even aware of any of my educational achievements. I could not see the big deal anyway. Granted, I drove a fairly new car but it was hardly a Top Gear specimen. Granted, I had traveled to one or two places around the world but not that many to earn me the honor of being Trip Advisor. Granted, I lived in a comfortable pad but it was hardly the kind that Jennifer Aniston would go gaga over. So why had I been given such a label?

I was now gathering steam...My acquaintance interestingly was not doing too badly if we did a like for like comparison. But I won't throw stones. Perhaps there was more than met the eye here. Perhaps because of their achievements and possessions, they were communicating their own fears.

So...Are 'independent' women barred from marriage?

I remember back in the day, Destiny's Child had a song titled Independent Woman. The lyrics went something like 'the shoes, clothes, house, car I have, I bought!' (I am paraphrasing here). The song did not beat about the bush on fully describing the independent woman. It was the woman who pays her own bills and buys her own diamonds. It was the woman who, if she wanted a watch such as the one someone else was wearing, could buy it any day. At one point in the song, Destiny's Child then asks all the women who are independent to throw their hands up. And this included all the mommas and honeys making money. The independent woman definitely does not mess about according to Destiny's Child. Any man who tried to 'control' them, was to get up and leave!

Being very unsaved and very unsanctified at the time, I thought Beyonce and her crew probably had a message for the new 21st century woman. Not that I was a great fan of the group or the song, but those words did ring in my mind at the time. It probably became an anthem for many young women at the time.

Destiny's Child's Independent Woman is one extreme, especially if you are thinking about approaching a relationship from that standpoint. Really and truly you don't need a degree to know that if you are going to recite those lyrics to a man you are clearly indicating that you don?t need a man!

So back to our argument. Can a woman not seek a good education? Can a woman not have a great steaming career? Can she not own her own business even or buy a car or own diamonds and pearls without being relegated as an independent woman. Were women created to depend on men? Was Eve meant to depend on Adam? Is there anything wrong if a woman depends on a man for her existence and operation?

One of the definitions of independent is this. "Not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc." As with all things, there is a word called 'balance'. Many men claim on one hand they love the independent woman. This just reminds me of an interesting scenario some years ago.

I was at a soiree. The hostess, one of my friends, had invited her friends and would be suitor to her new home which she recently purchased. Another so-called independent woman by virtue of Destiny's Child definitions above! Said hostess owned a car, had a job and all the other so-called trimmings. I remember having a conversation with the would be suitor.

Would be suitor was muttering to himself or possibly to me, that if a woman had all these 'things', what was her need for a man?

Immediately I felt very defensive. I was sure not impressed he was taking a dig at my friend. My friend was hardworking and had not gotten all her attainments by a stroke of so-called luck! But that one comment, I must admit, stayed with me throughout the years.

Now, to continue where I left off. Balance is not about extremes. On the one hand, there are some women who come across as if they can't sneeze unless they ask a man to buy the handkerchief. Whilst on the other end of the scale, there are the ladies who won't stop talking about 'my' house, 'my' car, 'my' career, my Gucci handbag and so on.

God has given every person a brain, so women can and must use their brains effectively to fulfill their purpose in life. However, in all things humility is the order of the day. As long as we remain humble with our strings of achievements and not have to bring into every conversation that we are more clever, richer or whatever than our would be suitors, I frankly don't see the problem with a so-called 'independent' woman. It is all about terminologies here, really.

Remember, one of the primary roles of the woman in marriage is to help her husband fulfill his role. Eve was called the helpmeet. She was a helper suitable for Adam. Adam was the vision bearer. Husbands carry the primary vision for the home and family. A woman has to align herself to the man in order to help the man reach his goals and objectives. A woman may even have to make sacrifices along the way in this but that is the price of marriage!

If we can recognize God's purpose for marriage as stated above, then the subject of independence or dependence becomes less pronounced and important to the woman. Such a woman seeks to please her husband and her children. After all, if we look at the Proverbs 31 woman she was an all-rounder who was smart, enterprising and had her own money too. Yet, her husband was recognized in the city gates because of her. She knew her role as a wife was to help her husband get his standing in the purpose of his life. She knew her place and did not compete with her husband or make her husband feel small.

So whether we can buy our own diamonds should not be a disqualifier. Let's be graceful in how we come across at all times. Let's not send the wrong message that we are so fiercely independent that no man can dare ask us out.

Much food for thought...till the next time, have a wonderful month of May!